"Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later."

A man walk into the surgery and says "Doctor, you've got to help me, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains." The Doctor said "Pull yourself together man".

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'



You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

---

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments together, and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "Whit'd you do that fer?""

"That's fer fifty years o' bad sex," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again, keeping pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "Whit was that fer?""

"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."

---

Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

---

Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip together. After hiking all day they find a good place to set up camp for the night and go to sleep.

A few hours later Holmes nudges Watson awake.

"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

"Well Holmes, I see the night sky."

"And what does that tell you?"

Watson thinks for a moment and then replies,

"Well, astrologically it would appear that this is a good month for Geminis, horologically I can deduce that it is just past mid-night and meteorologically I predict that tomorrow the weather shall be fine. Why? What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a few moments, then says,

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen the tent."